I remember hitting a point in my personal growth journey in overcoming depression where I was contemplating the notion of the ‘Ego-Promise’ and how the Ego-mind endows these constructs with the promise of ‘salvation’. These promises often look something like this; this promotion will ’save’ me, this new partner will ’save’ me, this new workshop, etc. (’save me’ implies: when I achieve/get this, I will finally have the evidence I seek/need that will prove my worth, my lovability, safety, etc.
I noticed how one of these ego-promises had slipped into my thinking around depression. It went like this: “when I reach a certain degree of insight, I will finally have the piece of information I need to understand and thereby dissolve my depression”. I saw how committed I had been to this belief (method/approach) and how, ironically all it did was maintain the status quo; it simply kept me indulging own thoughts ad nauseam, and hoping that somewhere in that heady broth, floats a magic key.
Evidence was not bearing that out though, and during that time I was developing a new personal theory about the effectiveness of shifting states, and I was learning how to do that, like changing channels on a TV. It quickly became obvious that positive shifts in the quality of my consciousness happened through some kind of mindful physical activity. Those improved states of consciousness helped me to see things I could not see before. Albert Einsteins words rang true; “You can not fix a problem with the same mind that created it.”
I became very interested in ways to transcend the ego mind, and through things like conscious dance and cathartic breath work (to name a couple) and I started having experiences of a Self that was much, much larger than the contracted, ego-based self I had been shackled to. This alone was healing; to know that there is more to me than this tenaciously pre-occupying ego-based narrative that didn’t even tell the truth about me, or the world.
This is why breath work impressed me the most as a way to transcend the ego mind (and yes, dethrone it as the sole arbiter of reality!). The first time I tried it, I literally took 3 breaths and the emotional content I had been holding onto for years out of the fear that it would utterly eclipse me came rushing out in waves of tears and waves of rage. The most astonishing thing to me was that I could release that degree of ‘content’ (emotion/feeling) without having a single thought in my mind, (other than the observer consciousness which kind of looked on with “wow”). This was a paradigm shift for me; to know that I can release feelings directly from the body instead of my feelings being the result of some story in my head.
What I had experienced thus far in my personal growth journey were shifts in feelings but not shifts in mood. Then I did 3 years of regular breath work and I describe the effect of that as having cleared a massive “energetic hairball”. My overall mood shifted and my feelings became more distinguishable and nuanced. I was also able to look at what was coming out of me and learn from it.
This is why I feel that body-based therapies are such a power adjunct to talk therapy. It gives us a window into our subconscious and it gives us an opportunity to step outside of the ego-narrative, which unfortunately dominates most talk therapy. I find that most people need to relearn how to feel their feelings directly; how to speak from it, vs. about it. Too often in talk therapy we are engaging the ‘reporter’ self, which is ultimately still one step removed from the authentic self.
I totally understand why we fear our feelings, however there is such wisdom in opening ourselves to the grand rapids that move through us. This is LIFE. This is YOUR life. What would happen in you stopped pinching the hose? Are you living your life without ever experiencing your own depth? Your own capacity? Your true size?
I had an all-around exceptional breath work experience last Friday at www.ancientfire.ca with Amber Host. I will be referring my clients there from now on, as well as re-intergrating regular sessions into my own arsenal of effective personal maintenance. Monthly breath work for deep excavation and conscious dance for weekly tune-ups 🙂